{"id":18548,"date":"2020-02-06T15:23:48","date_gmt":"2020-02-06T20:23:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thepapergown.zocdoc.com\/?p=18548"},"modified":"2023-03-06T11:23:26","modified_gmt":"2023-03-06T16:23:26","slug":"how-to-comfort-someone-whos-terminally-ill","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zocdoc.com\/blog\/guides\/how-to-comfort-someone-whos-terminally-ill\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Comfort Someone Who Has a Terminal Illness"},"content":{"rendered":"

How do you comfort someone with a terminal illness? Is optimism appropriate? Should you hold back tears? What sort of help is actually \u2026 helpful?<\/span><\/p>\n

It depends on the person and the situation. There’s no<\/span> universally correct thing to say during such a trying time. There are only attempts to be compassionate and empathetic, and to express your love and support. No matter how carefully you choose your words, they\u2019re not going to come out perfectly every time. That’s OK. Move on, says Constanza Roeder, the founder and president of Hearts Need Art, an organization providing creative support for adults with cancer. \u201cKeep showing up to let that person know you\u2019re there for them,\u201d she advises. \u201cThere is grace to be found in those types of interactions, which can highlight a type of love that transcends even death.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here are some pointers, courtesy of Roeder and other end-of-life experts, on comforting someone near the end.<\/p>\n

Help them accept the reality of loss<\/h2>\n

As death becomes more of a personal reality, a loved one\u2019s role isn\u2019t to offer assurance that things will be alright, says Dr. Terri Daniel, an end-of-life educator. It\u2019s to be present when things aren\u2019t alright.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Professionals in end-of-life matters, such as chaplains, counselors, social workers and nurses, don\u2019t provide comfort per se, \u201cother than medication for addressing physical pain,\u201d says Daniel, who founded the <\/span>Afterlife Awareness Conference<\/span><\/a>. Instead, what\u2019s important is helping both patient and their family deal with the loss. \u201dThe fact is that we cannot take a patient\u2019s emotional or spiritual pain away,\u201d Daniel adds. \u201cIn a healthy relationship with suffering, we shift from wanting to relieve it to wanting to work with it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Confronting mortality comes with what Daniel calls psychospiritual pain, which revolves around concepts such as faith, reason and guilt. This type of pain, she says, \u201cis not something to be dismissed or denied. It is full of value, and if we ignore that value, we are doing a disservice to that person\u2019s life.<\/span><\/p>\n

Check your self-awareness<\/h2>\n

In order to be fully present in your interactions with a terminal patient, you need to have high self-awareness, says Roeder. The work she does reminds patients that they are, in fact, alive, human and loved during a time w<\/span>hen medical charts, beeping machines and the sometimes frigid nature of medical treatment can leave them feeling isolated and alone.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOur subconscious is trying to dispel our own discomfort,\u201d says Roeder, a cancer survivor herself. Before you offer advice or even condolences, she recommends taking a beat to evaluate how you feel and whether you\u2019re projecting your own feelings onto your loved one. \u201cIf you deny how you feel, those painful thoughts and feelings will fester, and will ultimately affect your behavior in a negative way,\u201d she says.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The mundane stuff matters<\/h2>\n

Every major life milestone, including death, comes with to-do lists. Helping someone get their affairs in order might seem like a waste of whatever time you have left with them, but it\u2019s not a meaningless experience to them. Andrew Taylor, a lawyer in the UK, says the process of completing legal work can help terminal patients internalize that they\u2019ll be remembered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPeople want to have their voice heard, as they fear their story is lost once they are gone,\u201d he says. \u201cThey want to know that they have expressed themselves fully and completely.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This is important outside of a legal context as well. Roeder recalls a situation in which a dying patient was worried about leaving her son, but couldn\u2019t find anyone in her family or her church community willing to talk through her practical concerns.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo one was willing to face the terrifying reality that this might be the end,\u201d she says. \u201cInstead, they responded with, \u2018You beat cancer once. You can do it again.\u2019 Their discomfort with the harsh reality of her situation drove disconnection and left her to face the scariest time of her life alone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Explore and celebrate the patient\u2019s life<\/h2>\n

Yocheved Golani, a life coach certified in spiritual chaplaincy and end-of-life issues, says the end of a person\u2019s life is a time of intense reflection.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDying people tend to experience what\u2019s called a \u2018life review,\u201d he says. \u201cThey will assess and reassess their experiences, life lessons and missed opportunities. Let them. Life reviews are the combination of a call for help and an emotional settling of affairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

To facilitate this process, Golani advises making eye contact, holding their hand and providing soothing reassurance through open conversation. \u201cFollow the lead of the person before you,\u201d he says. \u201cListen to them carefully. They might repeat particular phrases, speak of specific incidents and call out for people important to them. Acknowledge that, and ask them to tell you more.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUse your own words to ask, \u2018What do you want to say? What’s on your mind?\u2019\u201d he adds. \u201cAsk about fond memories, and the goals that the person achieved. Focus on the positive aspects of their life. This act of reminiscing can be very empowering, as the person can bask in the satisfaction of self-respect, memories of happiness and of anything especially important to them.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Begin here<\/h2>\n

Once you start talking, you\u2019ll come up with words that make sense for<\/span> that person and your relationship with them. But if you need help getting the conversation started, here\u2019s some advice on what to say and what to think twice about. These aren\u2019t hard and fast rules, just suggestions to get things going.<\/span><\/p>\n

Words to borrow<\/b>:<\/span><\/p>\n