{"id":19672,"date":"2022-06-01T11:02:24","date_gmt":"2022-06-01T16:02:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thepapergown.zocdoc.com\/?p=19672"},"modified":"2023-03-06T19:49:16","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T00:49:16","slug":"for-years-i-thought-i-had-depression-and-anxiety-it-was-something-else","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zocdoc.com\/blog\/patient-stories\/for-years-i-thought-i-had-depression-and-anxiety-it-was-something-else\/","title":{"rendered":"For Years, I Thought I Had Depression and Anxiety. It Was Something Else."},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m familiar with sadness that makes your bones cold. For years, I thought it was just severe depression. Since I was a teen, it came in waves, up until this past winter, when I entered an especially dark place: In my Brooklyn apartment, rocked by miserable weather and a seemingly never-ending pandemic, I <\/span>really<\/span><\/i> didn\u2019t want to live anymore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d been prescribed a popular antidepressant in 2019 to help with anxiety and depression. But in 2021, after reaching the maximum dosage, it was clear that something had to give. I turned to my psychiatrist. We had noticed ups and downs in my mood in the past, but hadn\u2019t really dug into them.<\/span><\/p>\n

After a few months of mood tracking, I was diagnosed with bipolar II \u2014 a subtype of bipolar disorder I never knew existed. The massive mood swings are a key element of the disorder, and part of why \u201cregular\u201d depression is also called \u201cunipolar.\u201d While bipolar I is characterized by intense, euphoric manic episodes that can send people to the hospital, people with bipolar II experience more severe depression and short \u201chypomanic\u201d episodes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While both types of mania can make sufferers feel \u201clike the Energizer Bunny,\u201d says Dr. Daniel Kimmel, a <\/span>Manhattan-based psychiatrist, neuroscientist and professor at Columbia University, the difference is in \u201chow interfering it is.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPeople having a hypomanic episode \u2014 it will affect them, but they’re able to keep going on with their lives, with work, they’re able to see their friends, they’re able to do hobbies,\u201d he says.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s likely why I never suspected I had bipolar disorder. I\u2019ve always been a bit of a neurotic overachiever, my life marked by periods of elevated productivity, impulsivity and creativity, speckled with harrowing, dampening depression. I often made a lot of grand plans, only to not necessarily follow through once the depression came around. Everything made sense once I was able to name it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Experts estimate that at least <\/span>5.7 million Americans<\/span><\/a> know they have bipolar disorder. I\u2019m telling my story because one, people get silent when I bring it up, and two, misconceptions about the illness can delay treatment \u2014 which can make an already deadly condition deadlier.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBy no means is it a morbid sentence,\u201d Kimmel says.\u201cIt’s a controllable, livable disorder.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

The \u2018B\u2019 Word<\/h3>\n

When I realized I may be bipolar, first, I was ashamed. No one wants to ever say the \u201cB\u201d word.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When it appears in movies or TV shows, <\/span>bipolar disorder<\/span><\/a> is often highly exaggerated, depicting people who are dangerous or dysfunctional.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s not to say the disorder can\u2019t be debilitating; it absolutely can be. But it\u2019s not always so black and white. These portraits of the mood disorder can mislead people, including me, about its symptoms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In one 2005 <\/span>public knowledge survey<\/span><\/a>, although 8 out of 10 adults claimed to know what bipolar disorder is, fewer than two-thirds could correctly identify it from a list of mental illness descriptions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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