Ever gotten in an argument with your beau and didn’t really know what to do? You’re not alone. No matter your level of commitment, maintaining a healthy relationship can be hard work. Sometimes you need some outside support.
A therapist can act as an objective third party, offering helpful feedback about how to overcome barriers in your relationship so you can continue growing together. If you’re thinking about therapy as a couple, you may have questions about whether it’s a good fit for you and your partner.
Here’s some advice on when and why you should consider seeing a couples therapist.
Who should see a couples therapist?
There’s no rule about who can and can’t go to therapy, says Kaara Kiddoe, a Georgia-based couples therapist. Any two people who want to grow in their relationship can seek counseling together. You don’t have to be married or experiencing big relationship problems to benefit from an expert’s support and advice.
Take actress Kristen Bell and her husband Dax Shepard for instance; the two owned up about going to couples therapy to expand their emotional “toolbox” amid the trials of the pandemic.
An engaged couple can see a therapist for premarital counseling to unpack problems before they become too big to fix, or to learn healthy habits that can offset future relationship issues. A couple that’s seriously dating could see a therapist to figure out if they’re compatible for marriage or to simply learn how to have a healthy relationship.
“Dating couples can absolutely go to therapy to learn healthy communication skills and relationship strategies prior to committing to marriage,” says Danielle McGraw, a psychologist with Flourish Mental Wellness in Phoenix.
When should you see a couples therapist?
You don’t have to be on the brink of breaking up to see a therapist with your partner — in fact, therapy will probably be easier before your problems get bigger. As with other areas of health, it’s better to prevent a relationship problem than to reverse one. “I tell my couples, ‘Please seek help when you still like each other,’” says Kiddoe. “It’s extremely difficult to help a couple when one partner has emotionally checked out.”
Kiddoe suggests married couples check in with a therapist at least once a year after tying the knot. Think of it like an annual preventive visit — a safe space to discuss any potential roadblocks before they become unmanageable.
Major transitions are another time to see a couples therapist, Kiddoe adds: during the transition into marriage or parenthood, for example, or after the death of a significant loved one. Couples with major stressors in their relationship, like a child with special needs, can also benefit from the support.
What issues can a couples therapist help with?
Simone Koger, a marriage and family therapist at Koger Counseling in Washington state, says therapists can equip couples as they navigate everyday problems, like miscommunication, conflict or lack of connection and intimacy, either emotional or physical. A therapist can also help couples with more pressing issues, like constant fighting, infidelity, lying or financial problems, especially if both partners are on board to restore and strengthen the relationship.
Every therapist has their own style and therapeutic framework for working with couples, but there are a few things you can expect no matter who you see and what you’re dealing with.
“Couples should expect to feel they are in a safe, judgment-free zone,” says Kiddoe. “The therapist should balance the relationship in such a way where both partners truly feel the therapist gets them.”
If you’re experiencing any type of abuse, think about seeing a therapist individually for support. If your safety is ever in question, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233.