Working with a great therapist can be deeply healing. They can offer you a safe space to reveal your hopes and fears while helping you reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Due to their training and experience as providers, therapists tend to be very wise. That’s why we turned to one for some advice…on what to avoid doing this year.
California-based marriage and family therapist Nick Bognar lists five things he’d never do.
1. He would never rely solely on dating apps.
If there’s one tidbit of relationship advice Bognar shares with all his clients, it’s this. Finding a date on an app might work for some people, but in Bognar’s experience, making an effort to meet people at social events and other activities can make a huge difference.
“You can’t verify a person’s integrity or character like you would a personal referral,” he says. “It also dehumanizes people and reduces them to a face instead of a real person with feelings.”
2. He would never delay important conversations.
Speaking up about your feelings can be awkward. But the longer you wait, the worse you’ll feel.
Whether you want to set boundaries with a friend or end a dating relationship, he says “the aftermath of it going poorly is better than sitting around agonizing about it.” If expressing emotions or a need ends a relationship, that relationship likely wasn’t healthy in the first place.
3. He would never judge his feelings.
Emotions can be overwhelming. But criticizing or judging yourself for feelings you can’t control won’t help you grow — in fact, Bognar says it will only stall the process.
For example, if you struggle with depression, you might feel ashamed that your low mood interferes with your relationships. But shame only keeps you from talking about your emotions, which won’t actually help you feel better.
Learning how to accept your feelings as they are, without labeling them as good or bad, can help you make positive changes. “It frees up so much mental space to accept your current reality as it is,” Bognar says.
4. He would never confuse zoning out with self care.
What’s the first thing you do when you’re stressed? It can be tempting to watch T.V. for hours on end or mindlessly scroll through social media. While these activities can be fine in moderation and might help you numb any sadness or anxiety in the moment, Bognar says they are ultimately not long-term solutions for improving your well-being.
The next time you feel the urge to spend hours scrolling, take a deep breath and ask yourself what you really need to feel better. An outdoor walk, a glass of water or a conversation with a supportive friend can all be nourishing. “Self-care requires checking in with yourself and meeting your needs physically and emotionally,” he says. “It’s not necessarily more fun than taking your car to the mechanic, but it’s important for your maintenance.”
5. He would never hide feelings from a therapist.
Your relationship with your therapist is just as important for healing and growth as the advice they share with you, says Bognar. So if they say something that offends you, it’s important to speak up.
It can feel awkward to tell your therapist how you really feel, but the chance to talk through it can help you grow both in and out of therapy. Advocating for yourself can help you get what you need from your therapist and give you experience speaking up for yourself.
If you don’t want to keep seeing your therapist, be honest about that, too — Bognar says he helps clients find new ones all the time. “If I get angry or resentful, that’s for me to take to my own therapist,” he says. “My job in therapy is to honor your feelings.”