Emotional intelligence (EI) or emotional quotient (EQ) is the way we perceive, manage and express our emotions. Growing up, we were taught the importance of getting good grades, and we knew what it meant to have a high IQ. However, our parents and teachers may not have spent much time emphasizing the critical role EQ would play in our lives.
The truth is, they may not have fully understood it themselves. But improving your emotional intelligence could be the missing link for you. Learning to better identify and control your emotions as they arise could change your life and relationships, both personal and professional.
Definition of emotional intelligence
Have you ever found yourself in a situation — maybe having an argument with a loved one — where you felt so overwhelmed by your emotions that you said or did something you instantly regretted? For most people, the answer is a resounding yes. That’s because we all struggle or have struggled with controlling our emotions at one point or another. That’s where emotional intelligence comes in.
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to recognize, process, and regulate one’s emotions and emotional responses, while also being empathetic to the emotions of those around you. We could all benefit from learning to improve how we handle our emotions.
Research suggests that a higher EQ is linked to many benefits, including better mental health, deeper connections within your relationships and higher job satisfaction.
Why is emotional intelligence important?
Emotional intelligence is a crucial part of interpersonal relationships, communication and conflict resolution. The higher your emotional intelligence, the easier it will be to navigate and maintain the important relationships in your life. When you take the time to learn how to respond to challenges and conflict in healthy and constructive ways, you should see improvements in your personal life.
In personal relationships
Your personal relationships include your friends, family members, significant others and more. While building and maintaining these, emotional intelligence is key. Being able to relate to others on an emotional level will create a safe space for your loved ones to show up as their truest selves, which will lead to deeper connections.
When you work on your EQ, you’ll be able to name the emotions you’re feeling and better articulate them to those around you. This will create room for clearer and more effective communication. Another essential part of any relationship is good conflict resolution: With improved emotional intelligence, you’ll feel better equipped to handle and resolve disagreements. You’ll find that you’re able to remain calm and level-headed, listen to the other person’s point of view and work together toward a resolution. Your disagreements will feel more like you’re both united against a problem than fighting against each other.
Additionally, emotional intelligence will help you be more forgiving and compassionate in your relationships. Your responses will be driven less by anger and more by kindness.
In professional relationships
Emotional intelligence is just as important in professional relationships as it is in your personal life. Bringing emotional intelligence to the workplace will benefit you and everyone around you. This mindset will make it easier to collaborate and work effectively with others as a part of a team.
It’s also essential for effective leadership, since leaders who are emotionally intelligent will not only be able to understand and communicate with employees but also motivate them. Conflict resolution and decision-making are also important in the workplace. Emotional intelligence will help you consider the emotional impact of your choices, weigh the pros and cons, and consider the needs of both your colleagues and customers.
How to build emotional intelligence
The popular Goleman model describes four main elements to emotional intelligence. Each element is equally important, and may require different tactics or approaches to improve them.
Self-awareness
Improving your emotional intelligence will take introspection — after all, you can’t fix or improve something without first becoming aware of it. Becoming self-aware is a critical part of building higher emotional intelligence. Self-awareness is the ability to see and understand your own thoughts, emotions and patterns of behavior. It involves getting honest with yourself and acknowledging your strengths, weakness, values and belief systems.
Self-awareness is the foundation of personal growth and development. It can also lead to greater self-acceptance, confidence and overall well-being.
Examples of self-awareness include:
- Being able to recognize when you are feeling different emotions, such as anger, sadness or happiness
- Acknowledging your own biases and assumptions
- Exploring practices that promote self-awareness, such as mindfulness, self-reflection, journaling and asking for feedback from others
- Understanding the impact of your behavior on others
Self-regulation
Many people struggle with self-regulation, which refers to the ability to control your emotions, words, thoughts, impulses, choices and behaviors. It’s often difficult to practice self-regulation in the heat of the moment, but without it, you’ll likely end up regretting your impulsive responses. Self-regulation builds on self-awareness, since you need to be aware of your behaviors before you can change or regulate them.
You can begin to improve your self-regulation by trying the following:
- Reducing or managing stress and anxiety through relaxation techniques or mindfulness
- Delaying gratification to achieve long-term goals
- Controlling impulses or temptations
- Adjusting behavior or emotions based on the context or social cues
Again, self-regulation requires self-awareness, self-control and self-management skills. These skills can also be developed and strengthened through therapy. Your therapist should provide a safe and supportive safe to explore and understand your emotions, beliefs and behaviors, and ultimately help you to improve them.
Empathy
Being empathetic is the ability to hear, understand and share the feelings of others. Practicing empathy involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes to better understand their experiences. Empathy is another key component of emotional intelligence and an important aspect of healthy human relationships. It can take many forms, from simply acknowledging someone else’s feelings to actively trying to improve their situation.
Here are some ways to cultivate empathy:
Active listening: When someone is speaking to you, try to give them your full attention as they express their thoughts and feelings. It’s also good to ask questions to encourage them to share more about their experiences.
Imagining yourself in their shoes: Try to imagine what it might be like to be in the other person’s position. Think how you might feel, what you might do and what you’d want someone to do for you if you were facing similar issues.
Paying attention to nonverbal cues: Body language is a huge part of the way we communicate. Our facial expressions often give away our emotions, so it’s important to pay attention to what’s not being said.
Avoiding judgment or criticism: Empathy requires an open and nonjudgmental mindset. Try to avoid making assumptions or criticizing the other person’s actions or decisions.
Practicing self-awareness: Again, it all ties back to self-awareness. Understanding your own emotions and how they influence your reactions can help you develop more empathy for others.
Relationship skills
The final element of Goleman’s model, these refer to the ability to create and maintain healthy relationships that are fulfilling for all parties. Improving your emotional intelligence will lead to better relationship skills. By developing these skills, you’ll be able to build stronger connections with others.
To continue improving your relationship skills, try seeking feedback and keeping up your learning journey. While being self-aware is good, we all have blind spots. Consider asking your loved ones how you can improve your emotional intelligence. Then use this input to learn and grow.
There are so many resources available to help you on the journey to better emotional intelligence. You can pick up self-help books, read articles or seek community and workshops on- or offline.
Improving emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey
Emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey. Like other skills, it will take time, energy and a lot of practice to develop. Your emotions are constantly changing as you move through life. You’ll face new obstacles, and every new person you meet has the potential to bring out different parts of you, for better or worse. In less-than-great moments, you’ll be challenged to remember the person you’re trying to be and all you’ve learned.
You may be required to learn new skills to cope. By constantly working to enhance your emotional intelligence, you’ll improve your relationships, communication skills and overall well-being.