Depending on the circumstance, venting can be helpful or harmful. You just have to be mindful about how you’re doing it. While friends and family members are great confidants, they can’t play the role of professional mental health providers.
Below, we break down everything you should know about finding an outlet for your feelings.
The benefits of venting your feelings
It’s true that burying negative emotions can be destructive. Whether angry, frustrated, or sad, holding on to bad feelings can be harmful to our health.
For instance, if you’re feeling so sad that you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, without telling loved ones what you are going through, they may not understand your absence. By silently withdrawing, you create a barrier between yourself and a support network at the very time you need to lean on it most.
Alternatively, if you don’t express your anger about something early on, you may project your feelings onto someone who is undeserving of your contempt. To avoid withdrawal and projection, verbalizing feelings to a trusted, supportive person can be very healthy and help relieve pain during difficult times. In some cases, getting it all out really can be enough to help you feel completely better.
Friends and family members can often do more than just listen. If you’re frustrated or confused about a problem or decision you need to make, bouncing ideas off of a support network can help you consider solutions you hadn’t thought of.
Authenticity is a commendable attribute, and appropriately speaking our truth to those who have hurt us can also be an important, healthy way to mend relationships and resolve tension. However, certain situations don’t always allow us to tell others exactly how we feel, and doing so can actually cause more harm than good.
Many problems are simply out of our control. We can’t change, for instance, the outcome of a political election or the hiring of a new employee who you don’t get along with. In these types of situations, privately venting to trusted sources is the best thing you can do for your well-being.
The downsides of venting your feelings
While it can bring short-term relief, venting to friends and family over long periods of time can also turn into an unhelpful coping mechanism.
It may sound counterintuitive, but sometimes the immediate comfort that venting brings can prevent you from finding a true solution. Not all challenges can be solved, but sometimes we need to take further action to benefit our future well-being. Venting can give a false sense of control.
Inherently, venting is one-sided. That’s problematic, considering there are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth. Often, the best way to repair a relationship is to convey your true feelings directly with the source.
By the same token, your friends and family very likely will give you the benefit of the doubt when listening to your venting. They might not be able to provide an objective outlook. This can be helpful in the moment, but can also reinforce negativity or prevent you from taking responsibility for your own actions. Also, unlike therapists or other trained professionals, friends have invested interests in outcomes, so they might have an opinion on what you should do even if it’s not the best choice for you.
Even though your loved ones may be more than happy to provide a listening ear during a difficult time, relying on friends too heavily for support can damage relationships. Chronic “trauma dumping,” without setting healthy boundaries, can weigh on your support network.
Finally, venting outside of a trusted group of friends and family can be particularly unhealthy. Spewing negative comments on social media, or making a scene in a social situation, for instance, can come off as aggressive. When you’re tempted to vent in public, take a breath. There are likely other, more productive ways to express your feelings.
How to vent your feelings in healthy ways
Venting in a mindful way can still be a powerful tool to work through, and move past, negative emotions.
Here are some ways to practice:
- Vent on paper: To verbalize your feelings, you don’t always need an audience. Writing about your emotions can be a great way to gain perspective on a situation. If you’re suffering from heartbreak after a breakup, for instance, try writing your ex a letter. Write down everything you’ve ever wanted to say. Then, take the letter and rip it up. You can even set it on fire and watch the words disappear into thin air.
- Practice other means of self-care: Self-care can help improve your mental health and take your mind off lingering negative thoughts and emotions. Accessible options include daily exercise, quality sleep and a healthy diet. If you take care of your body, your mind will follow.
- Make a habit to listen: One of the best ways to take your mind off of your own problems is to step outside of yourself and devote time to others. Instead of constantly venting, ask your friends and family questions about their own feelings and challenges. Lending a listening ear can help improve your relationships and even help you gain perspective on your own issues.
- Talk to a therapist: Even the most supportive and patient friends are no substitute for going to therapy. Licensed therapists are trained, objective professionals who can help you to notice patterns and break behavioral cycles, make and reach personal goals, and learn techniques for regulating your emotions. Building a longterm relationship with a mental health professional can be extremely beneficial to your wellbeing.
- Consider having more constructive conversations: Consider having direct conversations with people who have upset you. Plan out what you are going to say, but also approach the talk with openness and self-awareness, so that you don’t get defensive. Talking through problems with others, rather than venting to outsiders, can help you improve your social connections going forward.