When a loved one is dealing with a mental illness, it can be challenging to figure out the best way to support them. You want to be a shoulder for them to lean on, but you might be unsure what you should or shouldn’t do to help their mental health journey. If you do or say the wrong thing, you may offend or hurt them, potentially causing a rift in the relationship. Ultimately, you want to address this situation logically but compassionately.
While there isn’t a definitive guide for navigating this scenario, here are some do’s and don’ts you can follow to support someone struggling with a mental illness.
Do: Respect Their Boundaries
All relationships should include respect on both ends. Healthy relationships require understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries. Personal boundaries are physical, emotional and mental limits you implement to protect yourself from harm. Whether your person openly discusses their struggles or shares small details about their illness, always remember to respect their boundaries. Understanding these boundaries can help avoid conflict.
Some examples of personal boundaries are:
- Needing quiet or “me” time every day
- Avoiding conversations about sensitive topics like sexuality, religion or politics
- Keeping your social media account private and only accepting close friends and family
- Spending time with friends and family on the weekends
- Not wanting to hug someone when you first meet them
- Saying “no” without feeling guilty
- Not feeling responsible for other people’s feelings
- Asking for and receiving support from loved ones
- Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions
If you don’t know your friend or loved one’s boundaries, don’t hesitate to ask. Even after they’ve told you, always ask for consent for any conversations or activities that may go beyond their boundaries.
While your focus may be on your loved one, don’t let your own boundaries fall by the wayside. Tell them you’re uncomfortable if they do or say something that crosses your boundaries. Your boundaries are part of your self-care, which shouldn’t be ignored because your loved one has a mental illness.
Don’t: Engage in Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity often manifests as encouraging words to show the “brighter” side of presumably negative situations or feelings. While there’s nothing wrong with optimism, it’s essential to allow your loved one to experience their feelings for what they are. Avoid teaching them, even inadvertently, to get comfortable with ignoring negative emotions, which can significantly impact their mental health.
Allow your loved one to discuss their positive and negative emotions. As they speak, focus on being an active listener, reassuring them that their feelings are valid. While watching your loved one experience mental health challenges can be hard, don’t limit or ignore their feelings.
Do: Try to Better Understand the Person’s Situation and Needs
Your loved one might not disclose everything about their situation, even when you have a close relationship. With their consent, try to get more details about their mental health. Ask about their symptoms and emotions as they allow. They may not answer all of your questions, but they know that your interest in their mental health comes from genuine concern.
In addition, you may want to know if their needs are being met. You can simply ask if there’s anything you can do to help, especially if you can think of something specific to offer. For example, they may need transportation to medical care or someone to talk to. Letting your person know you’re here when they need help shows your genuine support.
Don’t: Talk Over Them
When your loved one is discussing their mental health difficulties, you may be tempted to interrupt them. Maybe it’s because the conversation makes you nervous or you just want to show sympathy. However, these actions can cause your loved one to withdraw from the conversation. They may feel like they’re not being heard and stop sharing details about their mental illness with you.
One of the best ways to support your loved one is to be a great listener. Allow them to talk about their mental health and give guidance when appropriate. You want to provide a safe space for them to discuss their condition without being talked over.
Do: Encourage Them to Seek Out Professional Help
While it’s great that you’re part of a strong support system for your loved one, you personally can’t replace professional help. Mental illness requires treatment from mental and medical health professionals. If your person is not already seeking treatment, please encourage them to do so.
Without proper treatment, mental illness can increase the risk of negative compounding factors such as substance abuse, unemployment, homelessness, incarceration and self-harm, including suicide.
While your actions might come from a place of genuine love and support, your loved one may refuse treatment and become furious with you. If this happens, reassure them that treatment is effective and can improve their well-being. You can also volunteer to help your person find providers and set up appointments, so they don’t feel like they’re facing obstacles alone.
These healthcare providers can assist your loved one with mental health treatment:
Don’t: Patronize Them
Patronizing behaviors are well-intentioned but can make you come off as superior or imply that your loved one can’t take care of themselves. Although you may mean well, avoid giving unwanted advice, and educate yourself so you’re not stigmatizing mental health concerns or struggles.
Do: Help Them With Tasks if Needed
With mental illness, there can be days when your loved one may struggle to complete tasks. The symptoms of mental illness can be debilitating, affecting their ability to handle daily activities like cooking or taking their kids to school. Ask if your person needs help with anything without intruding on their situation. They’ll likely appreciate you offering a hand, even if they don’t need help.
As you assist your loved one, ensure you’re not overburdening yourself. Overburden can lead to compassion fatigue, leaving you emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for your loved one. Instead, only take on tasks you are available for, and connect with others in their support network to see if they can help.
Don’t: Take Things Personally
People living with a mental illness can have symptoms like mood swings or episodes where their behavior changes drastically. They may go through cycles of sadness, anger and/or anxiety. If they direct negative behavior toward you, don’t take their actions to heart. They likely don’t intend to harm you, but in that moment, they aren’t in control of their emotions.
However, if your person becomes verbally or physically abusive, don’t tolerate bad behavior. They cannot blame their mental illness for any abusive behaviors. Everyone has limits to what they can endure, so if things escalate, leave the situation and seek outside help.
Do: Be Patient
Patience is one of the most crucial aspects of supporting someone with a mental illness. Your loved one may feel like they’re a burden and begin to separate themselves from you. If this happens, remember to be patient and allow them to come to you if they need support.
Being patient with your loved one can mean:
- Understanding when they need distance
- Not pressuring them to spend time with you
- Allowing them to have control over their decisions
- Not forcing them to change themselves
When you’re genuinely patient with your loved one, you show them that you respect their space and are there whenever they need you.
Don’t: Overwhelm Yourself
You may want to be your loved one’s biggest supporter, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. You can become overburdened with caring for your loved one, and if you’re emotionally and physically burned out, you cannot effectively care for yourself or others.
To protect yourself from burnout, here are some self-care tips:
- Exercise regularly.
- Prioritize your sleep.
- Explore relaxing activities like meditation, breathing exercises or journaling.
- Connect with family and friends.
- Practice gratitude.
- Ask others to take on some tasks for your loved one.